It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
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[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean