It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
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Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s