@jamieramone: It's the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
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@CornOnTheGoblin: [PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd [BB]°sips drink° that's ridiculous °water shoots out of holes° No more questions
@dafloydsta: WIFE: Where's the dog? *flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer* ME: I let him outside.
@usermcuserface: At the library: Librarian: you have 45 cents in late fees. Me: (adjusts bow tie then slides 50 cents across the table) Keep the change
@shawnspree: I would fake a heart attack but this coworker would just try to finish his story in the ambulance ride to the hospital.