It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
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[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits