Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
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What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Before crowbars crows drank alone
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
#Caturday