Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
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Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
no cat here
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.