I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
You Might Also Like
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat