It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
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JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?