It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
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If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]