4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
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Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.