@JiminyKicksIt: It's time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
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@SteveSuckington: [2nd time at girls house] "where's your dog?" Oh he isn't mine. I was dog sitting [makes text alert sound w mouth] "Its work. I gotta go"
@Mindless4Miles: [orders pizza] Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce? Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
@KatieBurnett: The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
@JimHeskett: My buddy used to say "why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I'm the cleanest thing in the room." He's still single.