It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
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That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.