“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
You Might Also Like
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.