Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
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WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
? 💀
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??