It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
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The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
This is my brand.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]