It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
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You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.