🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
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My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Ovenable?
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
technically true but not a great slogan
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
😎 🍻
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis