It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
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To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Erm…
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.