It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
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My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
181.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?