@TheTweetOfGod: It's true what they say: shut up.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: Me: (squeezing into a gown) I'm so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children? Disney Store clerk: Yes.
@zachreinert03: People think having 5 sets of grandparents rules as kid on Xmas, and it does, but you pay for it on the back end having to go to 97 funerals
@CerebralWreck: Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear? Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
@Brampersandon_: [office meeting] BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs? SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y'all lookin' at me?