If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
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this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps