Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
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The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Why I divorced her.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Love this guy
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.