professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
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I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!