It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
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Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.