“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
You Might Also Like
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future