“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
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I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
And bowling should be called pinball
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.