@naomikaravani: It's very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
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@007Rex_Inc: Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
@ruinedpicnic: [Friend opens Christmas present] Me: It's a lie detector Friend: Oh... I love it Me: (whispering) we'll see
@AndrewNadeau0: ME: Thank you for your service. VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet. ME: VETERINARIAN: ME: VETERINARIAN: ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
@ProdigyNelson: [1st time buying drugs] Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas* Me: hell ya