@naomikaravani: It's very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
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@PleaseBeGneiss: WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
@CarolinaSong: Not tryin to impress anyone BUT the priest did just say I had the "body of Christ" right before he fed me a cracker. Gym has been paying off
@Tharin_P: Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress. They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that's a side issue.
@madcaplaughs30: I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.