It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
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The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
*eats only grass-fed donuts
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.