It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
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Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs