It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
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My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore