@TheTweetOfGod: It's weird for Me not having a Pope. I feel like Burns without Smithers.
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@TheCatWhisprer: Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
@Phoebetate: Shout out to my body for reminding me that, while I'm too old to have the tiny waist of a 15yo, I'm not too old for a pimple on the forehead
@Underchilde: My girlfriend told me to “tread lightly.” So when I ran over her, I drove really slow.
@GinAndJif: "Dave's coming for dinner tonight." "Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney...?" [from outside] "...hakuna banana."