@mikeleffingwell: It's weird how after they couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together the King's men were like "Let's give the horses a shot at it"
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@weinerdog4life: There is a button on my microwave that says "super clown" and I do not ever push that button
@lilgapeach30: Stepped on an action figure in the shower and simultaneously invented six new cuss words in four different languages.
@AristotlesNZ: Drug commercial just listed "death" as a possible side affect. Seems totally legit. Ask your doctor if possible death is right for you..
@OreoSpeedwagon_: Coworker: I need someone in the backfill position Brain: Do. Not. Say. Anything. Me: um hopefully you fill the gap soon Brain: oh dear