@mikeleffingwell: It's weird how after they couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together the King's men were like "Let's give the horses a shot at it"
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@WilliamAder: Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a "runner's high" is.
@prncss_fifi: My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where's my Oscar?
@ElleOhHell: HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar* BARTENDER: Why the long fa-- HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?