@mikeleffingwell: It's weird how after they couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together the King's men were like "Let's give the horses a shot at it"
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@beefman138: *At Railway station Me : Can I get a return ticket please? Station attendant : Where to? Me : Here.
@LurkAtHomeMom: My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn't want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
@IRLPepperMD: [guy wearing a ski mask holds a gun to my head] "please go skiing with me I am so alone"