I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
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Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!