It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
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Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing