@dxblarssonENG: It's weird how all the UFOs started disappearing once our cameras got better.
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@iscoff: if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you're born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
@JKNenagh: 7: Dad what does this word mean Me: Bring me a dictionary *Smack up side the head Me: Now go google that shit
@jordan_stratton: WINSTON CHURCHILL: "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." ONE-LEGGED MAN WHO BARELY SURVIVED A SHARK ATTACK: "Yeah... and sharks"
@RocketRankoon: Facebook: "Hey why are you making dumb jokes?! Some of us are praying over here!" Me: *backs away slowly* [My Twitter origin story]