Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
You Might Also Like
😎 🍻
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.