I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
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DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.