Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
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interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
rapatouille
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.