It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
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Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”