It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
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Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!