It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
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BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me: