It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
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Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
rise and shine we got egg
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
The Compass
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
🤣✨#caturday
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.