It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
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If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland