It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
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Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..