GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
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Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?