It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
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I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated