it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
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NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok