It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
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When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related