It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
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Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]