It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
You Might Also Like
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Best misinterpreted text ever!
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat