It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
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Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel