It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
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*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Fries, not lies.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Florida be like…
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled