It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
You Might Also Like
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
I hate my earbuds.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.