It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
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Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Girl, same.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*