Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
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Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
This will teach them to underestimate me
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
But that’s none of my business
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.